Raccoons Not Drinking Acai Berry Juice

Last November I noticed that the raccoons around Nauvoo were gaining weight. Not the kind of fat we gain around the holidays. They were monstrous and could hardly walk. I wondered if they were all in sumo training. (If you've ever witnessed a sumo match in Japan in person, you know it ain't all muscle.) I assumed they were preparing for hibernation. (Disclaimer: I am not a zoologist, and have never played one on TV.) 

The raccoons seem to have lost a lot of weight since then, as I nearly hit one this morning and his tummy wasn't dragging the ground. The secret: they drink the juice of the Black Walnut(TM). Some of my friends have made fortunes convincing their neighbors to drink fruit juice, and I want to get in on it. As black walnut trees are abundant here, I am preaching that as the cure for obesity. If you want in on this ground-floor opportunity, we will be holding our first annual convention in March, where we will sing kumbaya and hear testimonials from thin raccoons. Just convince 40,000 of your friends to buy juice that costs 4,000 times more than the cost of production. (Full disclosure: all research indicates that the juice works best if you sleep without eating for three months.)